it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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