I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
