I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
