someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Randomize
