what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
He's on the porch naked. Help.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
