i barfeds in our rink
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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