how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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