3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
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