just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Randomize
