If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
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