Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
We talked him into tasing himself.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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