you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
