I want to make a zoo with you.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
