I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
