M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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