it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
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