speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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