I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Also, beer. Big fan.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
