I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
