The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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