It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
