I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
