This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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