Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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