I think I am morally bankrupt
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
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