Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize