Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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