The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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