Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
