Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
