i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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