Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
