Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
