I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
