Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
