God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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