A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
