Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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