Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
