My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
last night I used snow as a chaser
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize