anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize