He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
