"it" just moved
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Randomize
