this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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