My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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