That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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