i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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