He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
