he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize