Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
