I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
