I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
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