The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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