I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Randomize
