Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
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