I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
