i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
