im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i dont even know how to be here
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
