there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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