Soap is not a condiment
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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