Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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