So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
