you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
