I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
