I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
