Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
