Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
