Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Randomize
