I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Randomize
