I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
