Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
